Friday, February 24, 2006

DISORDER IN THE COURTS

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY : Are you sexually active?
WITNESS : No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY : When is your birthday?
WITNESS : July 18th
ATTORNEY : What year?
WITNESS : Every year.

ATTORNEY : What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS : Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY : This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS : I forget.
ATTORNEY : You forget?
Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY : How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS : Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY : How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS : Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY : What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS : He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY : And why did that upset you?
WITNESS : My name is Susan.

ATTORNEY : Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS : We both do
ATTORNEY : Voodoo?
WITNESS : We do.
ATTORNEY : You do?
WITNESS : Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY : Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS : Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY : The youngest son, the twenty-one year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS : Uh, he's twenty-one.

ATTORNEY : Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS : Would you repeat the question?

ATTORNEY : So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS : Uh....

ATTORNEY : She had three children, right?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : How many were boys?
WITNESS : None.
ATTORNEY : Were there any girls?

ATTORNEY : How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS : By death.
ATTORNEY : And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY : Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS : He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY : Was this a male or a female?

ATTORNEY : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS : No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY : Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS : All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

ATTORNEY : ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS : Oral.

ATTORNEY : Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
ATTORNEY : And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY : Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS : Huh?

ATTORNEY : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY : But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS : Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Have a great Friday and weekend everyone!

~ *Hugs*

This is strictly for entertainment purposes only. These have not been verified, certified, or dignified as factual. In other words, they could be the truth as presented.

36 comments:

truckdriver_sefl said...

Thanks Lee Ann these made me laugh before I go nite nite:-} You have a great weekend!!

boo said...

lol. have a great weekend leeann *hugs*

Becky said...

I'd be willing to bet a million to one that your boyfriend is a smart ass, lol. Love you Lee Ann! Have a great weekend Girl! 8-)

WDKY said...

That's a classic, isn't it? Have a great one, Lee Ann x

Goan Pao said...

Tis a great world you search for a dumbass and find them by the million..what I wonder though is it so easy to pass BAR exams or do they have some kind of concessions for stupidity.

Dave Morris said...

This just confirms what we already know about attorneys and the court system.

Master Enigma said...

Lee Ann,

I laughed at your posting. Thanks! I needed a laugh this morning.

You have a great sensous and very classy quality to your HNT's some of the best I have ever seen.

Lee Ann said...

Trucker ~ Oh, glad it could give you a laugh... Sweet dreams!
Have a great weekend.

Boo ~ Thank you sweetie, you too!

Becky ~ Haha, why would you think that Beck?
I have to tell you, there are times that he is, but mostly he is fairly serious. But, he definitely has his shining moments! ;)

WD ~ Yeah, I think there is always room for some humor! Have a great weekend!

Lee Ann said...

Goan ~ Haha, very good question! Have a great weekend.

Dave ~ Yes, Can you imagine sitting in a courtroom and hearing that...how hard would we be laughing?!

Master ~ Hi! So nice of you to stop by. I am always glad to provid a good laugh. Thank you for your kind words, so nice of you.
I hope you will come by here more often.

Cowboy said...

Hi-larious, Lee Ann! I am firmly convinced that most lawyers have no concept of logic... or reality.

Ellen said...

....And these silly lawyers wonder why so many jokes are out there about them.

Loved all the examples you listed... and needed a good laugh
for the day! You are too funny!

Got one for you:
What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association meeting? A caterer.

jiggs said...

these are amusing. Have a good weekend lee ann

Lee Ann said...

Ellen ~ That is funny! Very good!
Thank you, you are the greatest.

Jiggs ~ Thank you, I hope you have a wonderful weekend too.

Ellen said...

Have a good weekend, sweetie! Are you ready for all the rain that is heading our way?

Lee Ann said...

Ellen ~ I know, I heard it is supposed to rain again, and get a little cooler! :( Stay warm and dry!

robmcj said...

"Were there any girls?" - brilliant.

Laughed out loud again and again.

Budding Rose said...

That is really funny and fun! I have seen it before in an email and I like it. I am going to post this on my blog, I hope you don't mind! I will just copy and paste since I don't have that book you were talking about.

Decker said...

The sad thing is, they probably are real quotes~

Spinning Girl said...

Hi!
Funny stuff. I've seen it before, too, but I always like to relive a good laugh!
I stopped by Rose's blog & told her it isn't really kosher to outright copy somebody else's post. Thought you might want to back me up! She's a newbie but she needs to be told!

Lee Ann said...

SG ~ Yes, I do laugh each time I read it too.
I get what you are saying!
It is fun to see the new bloggers isn't it! We have had a few come through lately haven't we.

Lee Ann said...

Rob ~ I am so glad. I laughed too, just imagine being in the courtroom when these things were said!

Budrose ~ You are sweet!
I have taken stuff from other people's posts, but when I do that, I will get permission, I always say that I stole it from "that person" and link them, and I don't copy it exactly, I change it a bit to fit my style and personality!
....and to let you know what you were looking at yesterday... think if you were standing with your arms stretched out above your head, and you stretching them backwards, creating an arch in your back (the picture is a profile of that). Can you see it now? :)

Decker ~ I know, I can imagine they were!

BuccoTom said...

That shit is priceless girl. I am seriously ROFLMAO. Thanks for getting my weekend started off on a high note! Have a great on yourself. Love ya.
TG

Lee Ann said...

TG ~ I am so glad that started your weekend off good! Have a great one....love you too ;)

jamwall said...

baby i'm all about disorder..

Fuckkit said...

I laughed out loud at some of those. Thanks, I needed that ;)

Captain Carl said...

Arrrr......damn that be funny....great post Lee........ya had me on the floor............

Semi-Celibate Man said...

Very funny! Thanks for the laughs going into the weekend.

Bathroom Hippo said...

Birdman: Mr. Boo Boo, would you consider yourself a revolutionary?

Boo Boo: Well, no. But I do believe corporations rob us of our dignity and independence, and that these systems must be ripped down, burnt down, or leveled by any force necessary.

[jury gasps, long pause]

Fred said...

Time to upgrade some of the law schools out there.

Gyrobo said...

Good thing the important decision-making is left to our nation's highly motivated jurors.

Mike said...

Gotta love the legal system huh?...lol

sabatkes said...

This was great! Have a great weekend too! Once again, HNT was impressive!

Menzies Milngavie III said...

I say Lee Ann, jolly good fun, and what a laugh.

Can you tell me something? I was reading in the 'Smondays' (which actually arrived on Wednesday, this time), in the Observer, in actual fact, that "A shocking 37 million Americans live in poverty". The article, written by Paul Harris, based in Kentucky, goes on to say: "The minimum wage of $5.15 an hour has not risen since 1997."

Is that all true?

$5.15 would be a considerable wage herabouts in Kalimbuka, as the cost of living is relatively low, with basic provisions well within the reach of someone earning that much. But in the U.S.A. I wouldn't not think $5.15 would go very far.

Is that about what you might pay for a coffee and a bagel?

MM III

Lee Ann said...

Jams ~ *giggle* I could tell that about you.

F*it ~ I am glad to provide a laugh ;)

Captain ~ Aww, big hug to you Cappy

Semi ~ I am glad it set the mood for your weekend :)

Hippo ~ "hey hey Boo Boo".... remember that thing?

Fred ~ Can you imagine...

Gyro ~ Hahaha....
I know some people that have been called every year!

Mike ~ *giggle*

Sabatkes ~ Thank you so much, hope your weekend was a great one!

MMIII ~ I know, that tickled me as well.
Well, MMIII, I am by no means an expert on those statistics, but they certainly could be accurate. There is a lot of poverty in the US (maybe much more than people from other countries would expect). I do believe that is the minimum wage, and yes, that just about buys a cup of coffee and a bagel! Amazing that a country can be so wealthy and so poor at the same time, huh!

Gyrobo said...

The easy way to get out of jury duty is to stand up during selection and screaming "GUILTY!"

Lee Ann said...

Gyro ~ You are too funny!
I have no idea why, but I have never been called for jury duty. I have a valid driver's license and I have always been a registered voter. Which are the two ways I thought you got put on the list. Hmmmm....