Monday, February 06, 2006

It's a shocker!

Here is an interesting little story that may tweak your funny bone.

To give you some background information, Greg, the author of this email, is 58 years old about 6'3" and 220 lbs and contrary to this story, he is quite an intelligent person.

Dear Friends,
My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the near future.
Here goes.
Last weekend I spied something at the pawn shop that tickled my fancy.
(Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled.)
I bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our 12th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser gun with a clip.
For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived,with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle- twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek.

If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out - way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect.
I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to.
I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.
I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet pup, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
Was I wrong to think that?
Seemed reasonable to me at the time.
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"
Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed.
I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. (Sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?)

I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-- always 20/20. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY *********!!!!
I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position.
The dog was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, please do it again!"

(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Taser, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't lodge the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two.


hotboy said...

That sounds like really cheap way to spend a Friday night! Much cheaper than beer. I would get one and try it out on my friend Poisonous, but I don't you're allowed to buy them in Scotland. I wonder why. Hotboy

Bill the Apostle said...

twitching nipples are so my scene

Lee Ann said...

Hotboy ~ I can see you with one of would be very dangerous to let you have one! ya! ;)

Bill ~ I feel sure there is plenty more that is your scene....bring the hat with you when you come!

Ceri said...

Sounds like an evening with me on a rampage... I sometimes have that effect on people too. although I don't wear off that easily...

XOX <3

Becky said...

LMAO, Chris's dad is a chief of police and Chris volunteered to be tazed before, it was hysterical! He screamed like a bitch froze up and fell to the ground! He was okay afterward, that and he volunteered, there fore making it okay to laugh about it.

Neo said...

Lee Ann - ROFLMAO!!!!!!

Peace & Hugs,

- Neo

angel, jr. said...

That was hilarious! It sounds like something I would probably try out of curiosity--thank goodness he did it first!

Polyman2 said...

Did I ever tell you about the time I hot wired my wifes vibrator?

Lee Ann said...

Ceri ~ I just bet you have that electric personality! ;)

Becky ~ OMG! I wish I could have seen that! At least he didn't do it to himself...he wouldn't have been able to let go!

Neo ~ Hugs! ;)

Angel ~ Haha, yeah, sounds a little first! Good thing someone else did try it!

Poly ~ No, OMG! You didn't! haha

Leesa said...

This post was so funny. I started laughing out loud and nearly wet myself. I had to go to the potty to compose myself before returning to work.

Thanks for a well-needed laughing fit. But no twitching nipples! Thank goodness!

Heather said...

That is absolutely hilarious. My friends do this with their dog's shock collar.

Lee Ann said...

leesa ~ Haha, I would be laughing harder now if I had witnessed you laughing that hard. Glad to make you smile ;)

Heather ~ I know, hilarious, right. Oh my gosh, the dog collar? haha

BuccoTom said...

I will keep that in mind the next time I find myself sitting in the recliner in shorts with the dog nearby and a taser in my hand. Thanks for the warning. ROFLMFAO! Have a great day.

Lee Ann said...

TG ~ Haha, glad I could be of assistance there.
Have a great day!

Dave Morris said...

This post was so funny, it even made my THIRD nipple twitch.

Lee Ann said...

Dave ~ we need to nick name you Chandler?
(Sorry if you don't get that, it is from FRIENDS)

AndyW said...

Have you ever been so drunk that your teeth are numb?

I bet his teeth were numb after that tazer action.

Ellen said...

I'm only too glad he didn't try it on the puppy first.

Funny story!

Edge said...

I audibly laughed! How funny.


Lee Ann said...

Andy ~ Oh, I bet they were! haha

Ellen ~ Me too, I thought that was where the story was going at first...thankfully not!

Jef ~ I know, I did too!

Tumbleweed said...

Awesome story! I am so gonna get one of those and use it on all the mean people I come across. Watch out!

Lee Ann said...

Tumble ~ haha, I know what you mean! ;)

jiggs said...

I resent that pencil necked geek remark. Or perhaps I resemble that pencil necked geek remark.

Shocking yourself with a taser really seems suboptimal. If only we could get the mythbusters to do this one.

Lee Ann said...

Jiggs ~ That is a great idea! I would love to watch Adam and Jamie do that one!

Fred said...

At least I'm about to go to bed with a laugh. Great story!

Charlie "the party" Manson said...

I've heard of the shocker but this is ridiculous

Lee Ann said...

fred ~ Good night! Sweet dreams!

charlie ~ I know, can't you just envision this?

Bathroom Hippo said...

I have compiled all of your Half Nekkid Thursday images into something useful.

I will not need to go online for days.

Lee Ann said...

Hippo ~ Oh really, how sweet and what is it??

robmcj said...

Scary, and insulting to us pencil-neck geeks.

Lee Ann said...

Rob ~ It is hilarious that someone would think to do that!

Useless Man said...

I think we could learn to like Greg. I like his spirit and spunk. Mostly, I like his follow through!

Lee Ann said...

Useless man ~ Hey, you are right about that. Thank you for stopping by, I hope you will come by more often.