Thursday, June 22, 2006

A true email that I received

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I get the feeling my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was too humiliating. I mentioned I sustained a head injury, and hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then I reasoned, I could think up something to explain the bandage on top of my head.

The True Story:

The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife call to me from the kitchen. "Honey, the garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning and any respect to my circumstances.
No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our kitty, which discovered the fascinating dangling objects hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. At the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from "Harry and the Twins".
Wild animals are faced with a fight or flight syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.
When I woke, my wife and paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-here, done- that" paramedics. Even worse, fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, trying to suppress their hysterical laughter and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it. A few days later I made it back to the office,where colleagues tried to coax an explanation about my head. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about -- which it was.
"What's the matter?" They asked, "Cat got your tongue?" Close, but not exactly.

**The above story was presented to me as truth, but the truth is I really don't know, and I really don't care whether it is or not. I just thought it was funny and the thought of something like this occuring in real life would just make it funnier! :)

28 comments:

Big Mama said...

LOL! What a visual, thanks!

Becky said...

Funny story! Ironic, cause we just got a new kitten! I do believe Chris would give the little girl!

p.s. I changed my blog title, it's all fancy now, sometimes it doesn't download, if you hit refresh it may upload when on my page. That and my sidebar is all the way down on the bottom. It'll go back to normal after a couple posts get archived.

Bellarosa said...

OUCH!!

The Husband said...

what the hell happened to Half Naked Thursday?

angel, jr. said...

That's hilarious.
I got a similar story once, but the couple was doing it and the cat crawled under the blanket and struck at the dangling parts.
This is the very reason I'm afraid of cats.

MyUtopia said...

Ouch!

Fame said...

LOL! Oh my god I needed that story this morning! I don't care if it's true or false. Priceless.

Alistair! said...

Yeah where's my half-nekkid lee ann?1 Still love ya babe.

betchacantguesswho said...

And people wonder why I'm not a cat-lover? =)

Bathroom Hippo said...


FNT!

Oº°‘¨t®ãg‘°ºO said...

LMFAO! AWESOME!!!

Ellen said...

Makes you kind of thankful you're a woman, huh?

Oh, and Happy HNT! We didn't need the picture because we got such a visual from the story.

NIKEY said...

it's like the scene from 'something about mary'. hilarious .
i presume the cat is dead ?
either killed by the owner or poisoned by eating bad eggs or something .

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

See, another reason to own a dog.

Danny Bonaduce told a story on the radio once where a similar thing happened to him with his then-girlfriend's chicken pecking his boys. He wound up running naked around the bedroom with the chicken caught between his legs.

Cherry! said...

Hahaha! That is hilarious! I love it!!

hotboy said...

So the joe is in the flat this day and decides to decorate the floorboards by drawing snakes on them, as you do. He pours the paint thinner into the bog. His flatmate comes home and says... what? .. snakes, the boys says. Snakes. Tired after a hard day going to college, the job goes to the bog and sits there smoking a fag. Throws the fag into the john. Not a good idea. The ambulance men come and get him and his bum is pointing up on the stretcher, buttered. What happened asks the ambulanceman. The injured party tells him and the ambulance man laughs so hard the stretcher wobbles and the joe breaks his wrist falling off it. Used that in a book called Alma Mater though it didn't happen to the same joe. You've got to watch out with cats. Cos some cats got it and some cats aint! Hotboy

jamwall said...

i'll just have to imagine lee ann naked.

greenacres said...

That is great, glad I am a dog lover.

Lee Ann said...

Big mama ~ I know, it is pretty vivid. I still laugh every time I read it!

Becky ~ Oh, a new kitty, how fun!
Oh, I could see the space where the title was to go, but nothing came up. I will try again.

Bella ~ I know...

Carl ~ ;)

Lee Ann said...

Angel ~ Oh my! That would be a good reason to be a little fearful!

Myutopia ~ haha

Fame ~ I know, I can just vision that.

Alistair ~ Thanks, love ya too!

Lee Ann said...

Betcha ~ That is pretty rough!

Hippo ~ Ummmmm!

Tragic ~ *giggle*

Ellen ~ Definitely! :)

Lee Ann said...

Nike ~ You most certainly would think that!!

Jon ~ haha...that literally made me laugh visioning a hanging chicken!!! haha ...it pecked his ...

Cherry ~ Hey, it's good to see you. :)

Hotboy ~ Great story....haha, that is too funny!

Lee Ann said...

Jams ~ :) cutie!

Greenacre ~ Oh dogs are great too!
I love them as well.

twolf1920 said...

Did i inspire this one? I mean mine WAS a DOG that caused my injur, but there were no testicles involved...

(THANK YOU GOD)

Naughty K said...

Thats too funny... it hurts, but still funny!

rob said...

I once had a cat that got a claw stuck in my trousers, and immediately turned into a hissing snarling monster. I've never taken off my trousers so fast.

Regarding sickness and work, many years ago Hotboy gave me some good advice. Always use the same excuse: diarrhoea. Nobody's going to question that.

Hotboy - was that joe anyone I know?

Lee Ann said...

T ~ Oh,I had that you had an accident with a dog. I hope you heal up quickly. I am glad you are all right sweetie.

Naughty ~ I know, OUCH...ooooh and yes, really funny!

Rob ~ Amazing how a sweet, cuddly, furry little purring thing can turn into a monster so quickly. I am sorry that happened, but I can't help but laugh when picturing it!
Oh, good advice....I certainly wouldn't question that!

Killdare said...

As much as I like cats, If that ever happens to me the cat will get tossed through a window and I will tell everyone that terrorists broke in my home armed with machetes.

If it is true, then those paramedics will save that as a war story. Hope he doesn't live in a small town.